Some days it is not plausible for me to post, other days I have time, and the gumption to post twice. I have realized however, realistically, I can't post everyday. Some days I still just cry, and can barely function. In my first blog I had said I wasn't going to mention my husband very much, and the truth of the matter is, he is still very much a part of my life. Nothing magical happened the day he died, or the day we buried him, after one year.. the pain certainly did not dissipate. The pain has certainly changed. It is not the same raw pain as it was right after it happened, but more of a matured pain. An evolved torture, one where I almost feel haunted. Yesterday I couldn't even shower, the effort seemed too much, and then there was the sobbing.. I just think I am past the sobbing, and then my soul just weeps for what I miss so much everyday. The smallest things, like the feel of his touch as I pass him in the house, hearing his truck come down the street, hearing him snore next to me in our bed. The things most wives take for granted, and the things that I took notice with. I looked forward to each "normal" thing with him. I would listen to him breathe in the morning, and lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. I will never forget the way his legs felt entangled in mine, and the way we would giggle with each other in bed. I will never forget his arms around me while I cooked, even that last night, as we made our lunches, he had his arms around me. For 8 years he and my family were my complete everything, that does not go away in a years time, that may never go away. I honestly hope it never does. I may move forward with who I choose to love, I may choose to love another man. I do know that I will love him differently than I love Matt. I also know that whatever man chooses to love me and let me love him, will be one special man indeed.