Some days it is not plausible for me to post, other days I have time, and the gumption to post twice. I have realized however, realistically, I can't post everyday. Some days I still just cry, and can barely function. In my first blog I had said I wasn't going to mention my husband very much, and the truth of the matter is, he is still very much a part of my life. Nothing magical happened the day he died, or the day we buried him, after one year.. the pain certainly did not dissipate. The pain has certainly changed. It is not the same raw pain as it was right after it happened, but more of a matured pain. An evolved torture, one where I almost feel haunted. Yesterday I couldn't even shower, the effort seemed too much, and then there was the sobbing.. I just think I am past the sobbing, and then my soul just weeps for what I miss so much everyday. The smallest things, like the feel of his touch as I pass him in the house, hearing his truck come down the street, hearing him snore next to me in our bed. The things most wives take for granted, and the things that I took notice with. I looked forward to each "normal" thing with him. I would listen to him breathe in the morning, and lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. I will never forget the way his legs felt entangled in mine, and the way we would giggle with each other in bed. I will never forget his arms around me while I cooked, even that last night, as we made our lunches, he had his arms around me. For 8 years he and my family were my complete everything, that does not go away in a years time, that may never go away. I honestly hope it never does. I may move forward with who I choose to love, I may choose to love another man. I do know that I will love him differently than I love Matt. I also know that whatever man chooses to love me and let me love him, will be one special man indeed.

Oh man.. I am feeling it

So, I am incredibly infatuated with a man. Came as a complete shock, we have emailed each other over the course of a few months, and finally met last weekend. I am in DEEP like!!

Somehow I feel a little guilty, although it has now been officially a year, I still think about Matt 800 bajillion times a day.. However, he wanted me to be happy, he even told me through a dream that I will find happiness again. So I am going to go with the flow, and be excited and feel twitterpated, and enjoy the flutterings of the butterflies in my tummy..

His name is Paul, and he is gorgeous, and sexy and fun, and makes me giggle and blush and all of those things that are supposed to happen when 2 people are attracted to each other. The natural progression of life, right? The only bummer is that we live 300 miles apart... yet we still somehow manage to talk everyday, and have little cam to cam dates!! Yep, I am definitely infatuated for sure!!

Out of the ashes

I have missed 2 days of posting because I was in Mesquite helping my Grandmother move down there for the winter. No computer and my fancy, cool phone decided to be a goober and not cooperate with posting. So I have some catching up to do.

January 3rd.
Woke up early to go over to Grammy's and pack boxes and computers and TV's into our cars. I was exhausted, and the grace and goodness of a dear friend came to the rescue. He came and helped and we got everything packed and actually had a good time doing it!

I was worried I wouldn't get to see my girls, AJ was with Tony and Bonnie up in Bear Lake sledding. Jess and Hayd were taking their dad to the airport, so I felt very melancholy. I had to stop at the house before we left and the girls pulled up right before I got in my car. I felt my spirits rise immediately, when I saw their smiling little faces. We were able to say a prayer, and Jess saw something in my face, and asked if I felt good about going. It made me stop and pause, because I think she has inherited my intuition, but I realized I just felt sad, remarkably sad that morning.
As we drove through Orem, I started sobbing and could not stop, and then I realized, what the memory of the body hots the memory of the mind. One year ago on this day was the day I busried my husband, and one of THE most painful things I will ever do in my lifetime. And I just let it go, I cried for all the times I missed him, all of the time I am going to miss him, and every memory we made and every memory I will have to make without him. My last first, the one that I wasn't planning for.
The rest of the drive was good, excellent weather, fairly good time. The car wash in St. George made me giggle at Grammy, she wanted her car clean to park in her new garage, oh and mine too! We got to her new house around 5 and unloaded both cars, and it amazes me how unloading goes so much better than the loading.. ALWAYS!!! She wanted to put her things away, and was tired, and I had been asked to spend some time with a gentleman I have been getting to know through email and chatting and text for the last few months. Grammy told me to go an meet him and have fun.

The 3rd date.
ha, I just noticed I had the 3rd date on the 3rd day.
Paul. Tall, dark and handsome. Yep.. Gorgeous blue eyes. Had a blast, laughed and giggled and snuggled a bit. And the oddest thing happened.. I realized I am really good on my own. Alone.
Don't get me wrong, I like Paul, enjoyed his company, would like to get to know him better, and all of that, but I am really happy with "just me".
For all of the power dating I have done over the last 6 month in a sad attempt to mask all of the pain I have been in, I am A-ok, with ME... No male accoutrement.

"just me" makes me happy.

The misadventures of Grammy and Jenn

Grammy and I cannot be left to our own devices.. LOL

We were having so much fun that we forgot to put gas in my car! We ran out like 2 miles from the casino.. and it was COLD!! Grammy got the giggles, so then I got the giggles, and we realized we didn't know anyone in Mesquite to call and help us!! That made us laugh even harder!!

Finally, this truck with 3 angels in the form of men just getting back from fishing, stopped to help us. They were so kind, and it was so appreciated!!

On dating..

Dating in the new decade has to be better than in the old decade!!

Honestly, we are on day 2 and so far I have had 2 "dates". My first date was on New Years Eve as you saw in my previous post, with Miss Holly' and she (kinda having to be, as she has been my best friend for 15 years) was THE most attentive date. Always with me, by my side, always with fabulous conversation, and awesome dance moves!! I LOVE YOU MISS HOLLY!! OH!! Not only was she a great date for New years, she has promised to be my date for the Valentines dance as well!! What a fantastic friend!!

Date # 2.. My dear friend Huey! Fabulous conversation, nice to look at, fun, and funny.. (trust me there is a difference!).. Met at the last minute for coffee, exchanged pictures, laughed at the fact we can do that with our cell phones and not the old wallet photo's.. Technology! I have to say, it is always nice to spend time with a handsome man, who likes you, compliments you, is a gentleman, is fun to talk to, and has a smiles that warms you from the insides out.. It is sadly very rare these days..

Most of the men I have come across are looking for a "hook up". Frankly, I am tired of that.. there was a time and a place, and I am over it.. have been for a while.. But it still seems to be remarkably prevalent in the species of the male. sad, yet true..

My dates from 2009, ALL of them, suffer by comparison! It makes me believe I should have been dating my dear friends and Huey from the start, however, isn't that how we learn? Through trial and error?

A new year, and a new me!

Of all of the emotions I was expecting with all that goes with ringing in the New Year, relief was NOT one of them. So imagine my surprise when the stroke of midnight struck it's magical note, ringing in a fresh new year, and my spirit lifted in an almost euphoria!!
I realized that this last particular year, is now in the past, and this new year is brand new, and that freed something inside me. The 30th was so incredibly painful, it was the year marking the one year anniversary of my deep loss. The day I lost my sweet husband so unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism. I am not going to dwell on that often in the blog, because this is about rediscovery, growth and new memories to co-mingle with the old. One of the first memories was bringing in the New Year with a masquerade ball!! Ball gown, hair and everything!! Even a tiara.. had to show off my true princess roots! I went with one of my best friends Holly, she was my hot date!! We met our other hot date there, Jennifer. I may as well introduce you to these 2 ladies now, as you will hear a lot about them. It was fun to see everyone in their costumes, and there was even a marriage proposal! Holly won the prize for best mask! If I can figure out how, I will post pics!!
New years day was just a quiet day at home, I don't think I even showered if you can admit that.. I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry, took Christmas down, now i just need to put it all in boxes and I am done!! YAY ME!! One of my goals for this new year is to be more organized and enjoy my free time more, because I won't be fretting about all the things that are waiting for me to be done!
I am choosing 3 things to really take to heart and work on in this not only new year but new decade!!
1. Complete my health and fitness goals. Reach my goal weight, as well as my fitness goals.
2. Nutrition. Oh such a hard one for a foodie!! So my goal will be to create and post one new low fat recipe twice a week.
3. To be healthy mentally. To worry about my own psyche, and that of my children. If I am healthy, then I will attract healthy people to be in my life!!

I am looking forward to this blog, as I have spent the last year jouranaling, blogging and writing letters to my husband, in an effort to heal from losing him. It has been cathartic, and healing and has left a wonderful legacy for my kids to relive the happy memories we made together as a family!! This new blog is about how we all move forward..