Sometimes there is no grace

Depression is a funny thing.. It is almost invisible except in the mind where the damage is the most prevalent.. Where the demons reside.. Where the black hole exists..

I am intimate with these things.. The loneliness, the disappointment, the constant self recrimination, the constant cycle of wanting to feel better, and never really achieving that feeling..

In this debilitation resides a person who is so lost she feels like all of hope of being found is unattainable. She lives in a  place where the darkness and pain intermingle and whisper their dark secrets in the shadows of her mind to the point she sometimes cannot tell where the reality begins and the deceit of her own psyche ends..

This is where I live.

In the damaged place that is my mind, this is where my journey has led me time and time again. I am beginning this journal of sorts to see where it takes me. To see if I indeed survive it and overcome, or if this is where I will find my final repose..

For the longest time I have talked about events, places, things, abstract objects that have been used in my plight, what most would call the plight of my own undoing... So now in an effort, one last effort to live.. to survive, and hopefully unlock whatever murky despair I can never seem to release my soul from.. I write. An honest, true, depiction of the extremely low low's and the frothy unattainable highs that seem to crash harder with each low..

Am I bipolar? Don't know. What I do know is that I have been diagnosed by many, many doctors and that is not a conclusion any have come to. It could be that I have never been very real with my deepest, most troubling feelings. Afraid that if they escape the depths in which I hide them, then that will really be it.. Whatever IT may be..

It's a new year, and the last 6 months of the old year, well haven't been so hot. The things I have looked forward to, haven't entirely gone as I had hoped. The relationships with my family have crumbled a little more with each visit.. I complete a deadly cycle that I know will be my hugest detriment, in the hope of having a few moments peace, only to realize each time it becomes worse. Someone I love very much one time told me I need to find a way to stop "circling the drain". Maybe the drain is actually where I belong? Maybe there is peace there. Maybe it is still, and my brain can finally be quiet? I'm not sure.

What I pray for everyday, almost a chant to a God that I hope is still there... "Please help me" Because I don't know what else to say. So I take to writing, which has saved me before, in the hopes it will save me again.

Oh my my, what a year this has been!!

A year ago.... Seems like forever ago and then at the same time it seems as if it were just yesterday.

So much, so, so much has happened. So many, er, growth opportunities?? As well as blessings.

As I looked through my last blog, before my 15 month blogging sabbatical... I of course have to go back and reflect on that time. I had just lost a friend, but also in the process of gaining a new son. My youngest daughter married her best friend of 14 years, and it was quite the epic event. They say that rain is a good omen for one's wedding day. Right. So then this marriage will be blessed exponentially, as it began with one of the most freakish, unexpected hurricane-like hail storms that had to be seen to be believed!! After a stunning, warm August day, of cooking together and making last minute preparations for the wedding, we were all upstairs and set to go. All last checks were performed, and everyone was dressed, perfectly coifed and ready to send these two down the aisle with much joy and blessings. Things could not have been more perfect. Until 5:28. Two minutes before the wedding, the skies literally opened up, and unleashed the winds of angry greek Gods, hail the size of ping pong balls, and rain that blew sideways in sheets. Did I mention this was an outdoor wedding? Yeah.
As the bridal party stood at the window on the second floor of my mothers house, for a full complete minute there was stunned silence and nobody moved as we stared in horror as the wedding guests scurried about to save the cake, gifts and decor. Thank goodness for the tent!! My daughter just stood there, rooted to the spot by the window. I calmly, put my arms around her shoulder and assured her that everything would be just fine, that this was just a small delay. My usually calm child, slowly turned to look at me, and in a low but frantic , ok, brimming on hysterical voice, said, "Mother, I can see out the window, and it is clearly NOT OKAY!!" The next thing I heard from one of the glorious bridal party was, "Does anyone have a Xanax?" Sigh..
As quickly as the torrential downpour began, it ended. Everything was placed back in its rightful place (after of course all the linens took a tumble in the dryer), and the blown sound system was replaced with an albeit, slightly ghetto work around (my mothers car pulled up on the side yard, doors opened and phones plugged in for MP3 usage), the wedding turned out beautiful, the sun came out, and guests, although slightly damp, were placated with warm food, and the rest of the evening was gorgeous!

After the wedding, 3 weeks later, we lost Paul's brother in law. We drove to Sacramento, and Paul did his best to console her. There is really nothing more to say. Because we don't understand death, it feels as though a thief in the night comes to steal the lives that we had grown accustomed to. However, that being said, I have learned to never underestimate the possibility that there can be a whole new life waiting for you.

The end of September brought a magical adventure in the caribbean. After a gruelling overnight, many plane change, 17 hours of travel, we drank in the sights, and sounds of Grand Cayman. Both of us exhausted, you could not quell the anticipation of the oncoming adventure. We took a taxi to a nearby resort/shopping area, to have real food and find some wifi to let our loved ones know we had arrived. After that we met some of our friends that we were vacationing with back at the airport to wait for our final flight to Cayman Brac. When it was time to board, all I could do was gape at the roller skate with wings that was supposed to take us on our last leg of travel. Ugh.. Heights and small planes are not this girls idea of a good time. We boarded and my sweet paramour let me sit by the window so I may be distracted by the magnificent views the caribbean had to offer!! Totally worked, before I knew it, we had landed at our destination, grabbed our rental van, and drove on the completely wrong side of the road to where we would be staying.
Here's the funny thing about that trip... Even with 5 people, in a fairly small space, cooking together, and all the things that go with that.. We managed to lay in a hammock together on our own private beach staring at the stars, having coffee on our private balcony watching the sun rise over the water.. Experiencing snorkeling, then scuba diving together.. The things that dreams and fairy tales are made of. The things that some relationships need to have to sustain them through some darker times, so that the light can once again be found and the love reborn. Due to work, I headed home a week before the rest of the gang, but through technology, was able to video chat with my sweet every night. Soon he was home and Halloween was right around the corner..

Work tensions grew, and I knew it was time for a change.. I had been applying since August at various places and the timing just wasn't working out. Lesson # 3 million and something that God is in control, not me. After months of praying and sobbing, and angst, and being met with "Be still".. My prayers were very ironically answered. I had been leaning into my past.. my history.. the experience I only knew how to draw from, and what I had been praying for was CHANGE. Dramatic, jaw dropping, life altering.. CHANGE.. Be careful what you pray for. Change was on its way, in the oddest, fastest form. One I would have never dreamed possible. I had just had a second interview with a maxillofacial practice, that I had felt went swimmingly well. I went to work at the bank and got a call from a retirement community I had submitted a resume to. On a whim a few weeks prior I had applied for a chef position. Cooking is something I have always loved and had gotten quite good at, and had put out in the universe I would like to try my hand at professionally. The call came from the new executive chef they had recently hired and he was asking me to come in that afternoon. So, I asked my boss at the bank if I could take my lunch break and go to the interview. He agreed. So off I went to the interview(in my bank uniform, no less). As I sat in the reception area, all decorated for Christmas and watched the sweet residents milling about, I felt at peace and oddly like I was "home". Then, to my complete and utter disbelief, out walks one of my customers from the bank, with another man I had not met. We went into the director's office. I had no idea this customer of mine was running the show over there! We exchanged pleasantries and talked about my very small body of experience in the professional cooking arena. The executive chef asked me some basic cooking questions and asked how I would feel about cooking for large groups of people, by myself. I didn't even think about it, and said I would LOVE it!! I felt the interview went well, and was asked by the community director to call him that evening after I had finished my shift at the bank. I did, and he offered me the job, and I went to pick up my new hire paperwork. In the snow. You have to understand, I moved to the desert to get away from the snow and here we were, right smack dab in time for Christmas with a record breaking snow storm in little Saint George, UT. So into the weather I trudge to acquire a rather large packet of new hire paperwork, with an invitation to bring it back the following day. Daunting, but not undoable. At he last minute on Saturday morning, I decided to make my 2 specialties, mac and cheese and meatloaf for my soon to be new boss!! Wahoo!! Worked and I now found myself employed as a chef..

Dreams continually come true as spring springs forward and with it brings 2 more gifts. The opportunity to cater an event for a local art gallery featuring artists of Zion National park, and with it my oldest daughter Jessica who volunteered her time to come and help! Not only did we enjoy the time spent together being together and important event for my fledgling little catering company, but she also brought news of a young man.. Benjamin Merrill, her anatomy TA, turned handsome young man that took her on creative dates, fiance' to new husband with whom she will be making the best memories with!! It was a stunning wedding, and surrounded by love, a little rain, and lots of hair and make up.. But seriously, 2 weddings in 2 years. 2 daughters marrying the loves of their lives.. Can you really ask for anything more??

Lest we not forget the blessing of September.. Another catering event, and another opportunity with my Hayden girl. Cooking, organizing and filling the kitchen with love.

So we begin a new year. New hopes, new dreams, and may unknowns.. I've been searching over the last few weeks for my new word for the new year, and I keep coming back to forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself and for others. 

I forgive myself for the things over the past year I have not had control over and of the things that I did, but chose a growth opportunity perhaps instead of making a wiser decision. I choose each new day to make healthier, wiser decisions for myself, and those I love. Thank you for your blessings 2014. That said, I sure am happy to see you 2015!!

What doesn't kill you...

MUST
Make you stronger.

It seems I am not killed yet. Some days are a struggle just to get through,These are the days I remember that I am merely human. From the outside peering in, I smile, I look put together, I'm sassy and I seem to function like any other homo sapiens walking the planet. It is the inside where the turmoil resides, where dark shadows seem to permeate my hopes and dreams and render them with the illusion of impossibility. Over the last months of seeking change and breaking the cycle of insanity that had become my life, I am learning that the turmoil is just fear, and it no longer immobilizes me. It still rears it's monster head and whispers the cacophony of lies as it seeks to weave it's deceit into my psyche down the rungs of self loathing and despair.
No, I am not killed.
My need to figure everything out, to analyze it, mush it into a tidy little boxes so that it makes sense... that is a demonstration in futility. I am learning, and constantly embroiled in a battle to remain teachable, to trust that not everything will makes sense RIGHT NOW, but that it will eventually. When I am able to maintain the winning and patient side of this battle I am often rewarded in kind with a deeper understanding of simply NOT understanding, but trusting and having faith. This journey, I have chosen. I would rather choose a life of seemingly incongruous happiness through hard, fact finding self discovery, than the thick, selfish, abusive one I was choosing before.
Reality can be harsh and it is a choice to stand still and let the waves of it hit you rather than run from it. My vehicle for running is out of gas, it can go no longer, at least not today, and for that matter for several of them now. They are just days, strung together like pretty pearls on a strand that hangs virtuously around a beautiful woman's neck. The real beauty is not the days, or the pearls themselves, but the process. I am learning to find the loveliness and the joy though the process and the growth opportunities  in the sadness, because with each new obstacle or adventure, whichever one is laid out before me, there are many gifts to be cherished.

Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end.

Paper wings

2 weeks ago
Something happened that will forever define the rest of my life, the rest of my sobriety, and the rest of the lives that surround me. I pray for peace for every life that was touched so profoundly

After finding myself on the floor of a bottomless pit I never saw coming, and that was divinely designed, I found my way to a candlelight meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I break my anonymity so that perhaps , my story, our stories may help someone out there that may still be suffering, and know that they are not alone, nor do they ever have to be alone again.

My story

August 10th, 2012

As I sat there, I wasn't sure when I had vacated the Fairytale or if it had simply vacated me. All I knew right now was that I was in a room full of strangers and the numb was wearing off and the desperation was ebbing back in, and the churning in my mind was awakening, and soon the shaking would start. I shut my eyes so tightly I could see stars and prayed when I opened them things would be different. They opened and things were different alright. The different I had chosen. The last 2 days were a blur, but also crystal clear, but as if the events had happened to someone else, because even as I sat here, I was convinced that things like this didn't happen to women like me.

I sighed and lit another cigarette. Inhaled deeply and and looked around these seemingly normal people and wondered once again what the hell I was doing here. The morning hours and my resolve seemed to fade with the sun. As I watched it begin it's decent, I absently picked at the hem of the white shorts I was wearing, and looked around me again. There was a mom with her children swimming in the pool, there were clusters of people, all ages, gathered in various different spots, no one conversation discernible, just a low steady hum. I felt the warmth of my lit cigarette as the cherry neared my fingers. I stabbed it out, and with each movement the anger began to bubble up again. I just wasn't sure who precisely I was the most angry with. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and the hot emotion seared it's way to my throat. I panicked. There was no way I was going to break down in front of all these strangers. As composed as I could muster, I gathered my bag and headed for the ladies room. Once there I sat in the stall and the tears began to flow, my chest tight with shame, anger and disbelief. I  had managed a shower, putting my long auburn hair into a neat braid, and even a little make up, mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. To the naked eye, I looked like a normal, person. Pretty, refined, smart, tanned, and well put together. No one would guess this "fine" woman was 24 hours out of a county jail aptly named Purgatory for intoxication. I shuddered. No. I couldn't let my mind go back there, not right now. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse, smirking as my  perfectly manicured nail slid across the side button to illuminate the time. Dammit. I slumped against the stall, i was either gonna go in there or bolt. I closed my eyes again and the last of the hot tears brimmed over my eyelashes. I pulled the stall door open and stood in front of the sink to rinse my face and blot my eyes. I avoided mirrors except to make sure my appearance was flawless, but never wanting to look at who was really staring back. As I turned to go, a woman entered, looked at me, immediately took me into her arms and hugged me. “ you are right where you need to be”, she whispered. I looked at this stranger in bewilderment, but felt mildly bolstered by this odd exchange. I straightened up just a little bit more, and walked into the room of strangers and chose a seat by an older woman I had seen out on the patio. Poised, elegant, intelligent with a pinch of sass, I felt drawn to this woman, so I sat across from her.

The terror now had a stranglehold as the meeting began. This wasn't my first meeting, but it was the first meeting where I knew I earned my seat. I was no better than any other person there and for the first time I knew this. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed help. My way landed me in jail and had alienated every person I loved. I choked on the bile rising my throat at this realization. Holy shit. I was completely alone and at my last outpost, so I had better not bolt now. I knew if I did my next stop was the cemetery, right next to my already dead husband. The person at the head of the room called attention that the meeting was about to start and I sat there in helpless bewilderment. He announced they were going to go around the room and introduce themselves, not to embarrass anyone but so that they could all get to know each other. I inwardly rolled my eyes, what a crock! Who would want to get to know me? At that moment the only thing I knew was that I was good at was burning down anything, and everyone who ever meant anything to me. Suddenly I became acutely aware that there was silence and it was my turn to introduce myself. The bile bubbled back up and I was sure I was going to choke on the words I was about to speak, but also knew with a new certainty that they were the first true words in a long time I had spoken. I quietly, but clearly spoke, “My name is Jennifer and I am an alcoholic.” I glanced sideways at the face of the woman across from me, and expected to see a snicker, or judgment, but saw only a slight nod and a quiet countenance of understanding as her gaze moved to the next person. I barely moved. When they came to the end of the introductions, my breath finally escaped me, I didn't realize I had been holding it, then my eyes started to burn and another damn tear slid down my cheek. Someone moved to the front of the room and with joy accepted a 30 day chip. I didn't understand the joy, and even more so didn't understand how anyone could feel that after 30 days without a drink, because by this point with all of the emotion from the last few days and the fading of my resolve, my body was craving that numb feeling I had so desperately come to depend on. The lights had dimmed and there were candles on each of the long tables barely illuminating the room. I barely heard what the people around me were sharing, but did suddenly realize that a small sense of peace had begun to pervade the edges of the turmoil I felt screaming inside me. Through my fogginess, I realized as I stood in the circle holing hands with these strangers that I had been thrown a life jacket in the sea of chaos that had become me. I had listened to the prayer that closed the meeting an knew enough about AA to know that I would sink without a sponsor. Someone to help guide me through the steps that would become the thing I hoped would save me. I was drawn to the woman across the table and sought her out and without any real thought of my own and found myself asking this stranger if she would help me. To my absolute shock, the woman with the kind eyes agreed.  

The here and now

That was a year ago, and I would love to report that the past almost 13 months have gone by smoothly, and that I have a perfect record of sobriety to report. I do not. 

What I DO have, is countless miracles and blessings. Life is not perfect nor do I have to be perfect in it. I have slowly begun, and I do say begun, because it will take time to undo some of the damage that has been caused, to rebuild relationships that I thought I had burned down. Alcohol was my mistress, and for a long time I chose it above all things that were important to me. It is not a lie the it is cunning, baffling and powerful, and most of all patient. Today, I can look, really look in the mirror and see a woman emerging I never thought I could be, and I like her. I have learned to accept my defeats with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child, and everyday I learn that I am not the mistakes i have made. They no longer define me. 

My hope for the future is brighter now than I ever thought in a million years it could be. I HAVE hope. As time evolves, I look forward to being less involved in myself, and more involved with others. I also understand that it is what it is, and for the time being, important.  

I lost a dear friend. One who had a vital role in my sobriety, and who taught me many lessons in how to be a friend without judgement. I hope he knows what a wonderful man he is, and that he walks hand in hand with our maker, and can finally see what an incredible instrument he was in so many lives. 

I also gained a son, one that I love very much, who adores my daughter and I know will provide her with a life time of show stopping memories. The 2 of them definitely know how to make an entrance, as evidenced by the massive hail storm that opened their nuptials last weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I was honored to walk my little girl down the aisle. I did this with my other little girl right by my side along with my incredibly patient mother and grandmother. I can honestly say that my family ARE my best friends, and always have been even when they couldn't be around my crazy. 

I have a kind and patient man in my life who somehow understands my insanity and loves me in spite of it, he has willingly trudged this road with me, and I look forward to our journey together, and am grateful that the memories looking forward

will be happier and less tainted.

Life can be rebuilt, one day at a time, one moment at a time and for this alcoholic, one prayer at a time. My heart is over flowing, and I am so grateful for each and every person that I am honored to know and love. 

I will miss you everyday Ryan, and I hope and pray for peace for all of us, in honor of your memory, I will close this blog the way you used to close yours. 

My name is Jennifer, and I am an alcoholic.

Time has been slipping away from me all morning, and I need to get ready for work soon.. But I needed to take a few moments and write down some simple thoughts. I lost a friend this week, a dear friend, one that has struggled with the same disease I have, he lost his battle here.. but has been called home to do bigger work.. My heart is heavy because I do not understand death, all I know is that it leaves the living behind with a hole in the hearts for the people left behind. However, today, I know that it is a God sized hole that can be filled with prayer, love and faith.

Rest my friend, and know you will always be in my heart.

Ryan Mott June 7th, 1973 - August 12th, 2013

PS. The caution tape was a fabulous idea, if I do say so myself.

Ready.. set.. Disneyland!! With Mickey ears I will have eggroll!!

I am anxiously awaiting our next adventure in Disneyland!! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! Paul and I have been doing the countdown for the last 2 weeks since his last trip from Oklahoma when he lost his dear mom. It has been a spring filled with trials and heartaches. 2 weeks prior to that we lost our sweet Koko pup.

So.. Needless to say we are ready for some unabashed fun with Mickey and Mini and friends!! Where else can a 41 and 57 year old go and be gigantic kids and giggle and play?? Yep, we chose wisely I believe.

Today Paul has been working on finishing the kitchen under cabinet lighting and I have a strong craving for eggrolls, tempura veggies and fried rice!!! So, since I have limited access to my stove, might just be eggrolls and tempura!

Busy few months.. and Blueberry comfort food!!

After a busy few months, I have finally landed on my feet again and am starting to cook again...
Babygirl (youngest one) graduated from high school, I went back to work full time and have had a heaping of man drama... But, alas, I do not quit and am happy to report I am pulling out an oldie but a goodie!!

Enjoy!

A complimentary contrast of flavors, this blueberry and sausage breakfast casserole is served topped with a blueberry sauce.

Blueberry Sausage Breakfast Bake

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 pound sausage, browned and drained
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream or yogurt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup chopped pecans

 

Blueberry Sauce: 
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup water
2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice

 

Additional sour cream for accompaniment (optional)

1. Mix flour, baking powder and soda. Set aside.
2. Beat butter until fluffy. Add sugar, brown sugar and eggs, one at a time, beating each addition for 1 minute.
3. Add flour mixture to butter mixture. Fold in browned sausage and sour cream.
4. Pour into lightly greased 9 x 13 x 2-inch pan. Sprinkle nuts on top. (At this stage, may be covered and refrigerated overnight and baked in the morning.)
5. Bake at 350°F (175°C) for 35 to 40 minutes. Cool slightly. Serve warm with Blueberry Sauce.
6. For Blueberry Sauce: Combine sugar and cornstarch, add water and blueberries. Cook over medium heat until thick and bubbly. Cook and stir 2 minutes more. Remove from heat and stir in lemon juice.
7. To serve cut into squares, drizzle with Blueberry sauce and top with a dollop of sour cream, if desired.

Makes 12 servings.