Make you stronger.
It seems I am not killed yet. Some days are a struggle just to get through,These are the days I remember that I am merely human. From the outside peering in, I smile, I look put together, I'm sassy and I seem to function like any other homo sapiens walking the planet. It is the inside where the turmoil resides, where dark shadows seem to permeate my hopes and dreams and render them with the illusion of impossibility. Over the last months of seeking change and breaking the cycle of insanity that had become my life, I am learning that the turmoil is just fear, and it no longer immobilizes me. It still rears it's monster head and whispers the cacophony of lies as it seeks to weave it's deceit into my psyche down the rungs of self loathing and despair.
No, I am not killed.
My need to figure everything out, to analyze it, mush it into a tidy little boxes so that it makes sense... that is a demonstration in futility. I am learning, and constantly embroiled in a battle to remain teachable, to trust that not everything will makes sense RIGHT NOW, but that it will eventually. When I am able to maintain the winning and patient side of this battle I am often rewarded in kind with a deeper understanding of simply NOT understanding, but trusting and having faith. This journey, I have chosen. I would rather choose a life of seemingly incongruous happiness through hard, fact finding self discovery, than the thick, selfish, abusive one I was choosing before.
Reality can be harsh and it is a choice to stand still and let the waves of it hit you rather than run from it. My vehicle for running is out of gas, it can go no longer, at least not today, and for that matter for several of them now. They are just days, strung together like pretty pearls on a strand that hangs virtuously around a beautiful woman's neck. The real beauty is not the days, or the pearls themselves, but the process. I am learning to find the loveliness and the joy though the process and the growth opportunities in the sadness, because with each new obstacle or adventure, whichever one is laid out before me, there are many gifts to be cherished.
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